Anonymous Devotee from India says: I would like to thank the person, who is taking the pain to post people’s experiences. Some post are for their happy moments and miracles. Some are for their pains and suffering. I am one such person. Mine is going to be a big post sorry for it, but I really need some help and guidance from all brothers and sisters, who read this.
I seriously don’t know whether God exist or not. Sorry to write this way especially in this blog, but I am badly and totally hurt in almost everything. I am standing in the middle of a road like a deaf, dumb, blind and l am a person not knowing which direction to go. I am 32 years old female. I am very very lonely. I don’t have a good family or relations to stand by my side. All are selfish including my parents. I am unable to share certain things it will sound very bad and shocking for people, who read, so I don’t want to speak about my family.
From my childhood I am thirsty for love, affection and care, but I am not getting it. Just because of many disappointments in my life, I became a girl with loads of anger and hatred. Till date three men have come in my life. I was very very innocent and sweet. I don’t speak much with men. These were the only men, whom I trusted and spoken with. But a guy made me suffer, insulted and hurted me almost for 6 years. He spoiled my name in my family and friends. Finally he got married settled and leading a happy life. Then immediately a guy came. I said about my family and my past love. He was with me just for 3 months, used me, very little one, and left me without even saying a reason. Then I completely surrendered myself in work.
I stopped going to temples and praying. At least that time I was ok. I didn’t suffer much. But later somehow I got to know of Saibaba and started praying Him for my job and personal life. You know what both got collapsed now. A married man came into my life, did many little little things made me fall for him, used me completely and then left me saying his wife knew about it. At least if he had been true to his wife, I would have felt ok. But he didn’t change. He just cut me, but I was able to smell him being after another woman for years even before coming into my life and even after getting connected with me. I was gone completely. Still inspite of knowing everything I loved him and do so even now. He was my boss. He stopped my promotion inspite of me being eligible for that. Then I was not able to work there anymore, daily seeing him having fun with another woman. Above all he used to insult me through his behaviour, action and words. I left my job just because of him.
I thought I will get another job and this gap will change my mind. But nothing happened till now. I know I am a fool and all would speak badly about me, but unable to forget him. I was happy with him only for few months, but I am suffering from his insults, pains, hurts till this minute from past 3 years 2 months. Once he will call, I have to speak with him normally without tears, but if I call him, he will not answer my calls or give reasons and hurt me to the core. I am getting mad day by day. I don’t have a job. I am not married to anyone. I don’t have even a single person to listen to my pains and give me shoulders above all I can’t say this to anyone. All will think badly of me no one knows in what situation all this happened.
I don’t even have friends to divert my mind. All married and settled. I don’t have money to go check myself with a psychological doctor or go to gym or learn new skill. Even if I try to go help some NGO, they want money not physical support. How will I divert my mind? How will I come out from all pains (family, relations, career, education, health, friends etc). Already I got admitted in hospital few months back as I was about to collapse due to anemia just recovering. Again he came into my life and spoiled my mind completely. Now I am unable to be without thinking about him or calling. I call and text even for 100 times, still he ignores, but he is happy with all and everything.
I am unable to eat, sleep or do anything, just crying crying and crying. I have done many Vrats on Sai’s name, read Sai Satcharitra many times; still I have not got peace. Now I got fed up going to temples even. I was a very very good and innocent girl. Why did God spoil my character, my education and my career? Why did He make me fall for wrong men? Are all men like that? Are women only to be used and thrown? At least the other two guys I forgot within months and was able to carry on with my life. But this man I am unable to forget. I don’t know why I still like him. He has hurted me to the maximum. Why is my heart this very dumb? Not even a single tear of me has any value? I am afraid whether I will become mad completely.
Daily waking up with hatred, eating just for a sake and sleeping for few hours after 3 or 4 am. People say karma if they don’t answer for something. If a person suffers to the core because of past karma won’t they do mistakes again in the present karma out of pain? Above all every Thursdays Baba is making me cry for something or the other why is this? Does He hate me that much? I have tried suicide many times, but not succeeded even in that. Not even a single birthday, new year, diwali or for any festivals, I have been happy or at least ok. Always tears tears tears, but people who made me cry are happy, succeeding in personal and official life. I want Sai Baba to answer me at least now, at least after reading this. You people know only my bad things as I have narrated only that but Sai knows the other side of me, the Good part of me. So I want Him to answer me. If He doesn’t answer me and keep me shed tears, I would say that God is just a stone. It’s upto Him to show me path, guide me and cuddle me or throw me in dustbin. Bye Baba.